Apologize...

The following is an anonymous love letter I found online. I won't even pretend to claim that it's mine. I may not relate to everything the author wrote, but it definitely touched me.

Thank you, I hate you, I'm sorry

Thank you
because without your support, I wouldn't be here.
I wouldn't have stayed when things got hard.
I wouldn't have believed that I could find a life.
Thank you for the way you know me,
for being my best friend for what feels like forever,
and for raising the bar so high that I don't know where to begin.
Thank you for knowing to let go before things got ugly.
On some level, you must have known that forcing me to fly
would force you to fly too, to do the things you know you need.
And maybe you even share the belief that our paths
will join us together again, and for always.

I hate you
for not wanting it badly enough
for not believing that we could do this together,
for not following through.
I hate that you didn't have the balls to take a chance,
to explore this place that's filled with your dreams.
I hate how you don't even seem to be doing
the things that made you stay.
I hate that the way you tell me how you feel almost always hurts,
and that most of the time you just don't tell me at all.
I hate that you are the only guy I can imaging loving,
and you make letting go seem so easy,
like it doesn't hurt at all,
like you don't ever cry.

I'm sorry
I left the way I did,
because of what it said to you:
that I would always expect you to follow.
I'm sorry I didn't ever see it like that.
I thought paving the way would create
an adventure that would change our lives.
I'm sorry I didn't wait until you were ready,
that I didn't think I could, so the decision didn't feel like yours.
I'm sorry that it seemed like your opinion wasn't important,
when nothing could be further from the truth.
I'm sorry that I doubted our future, and made you doubt it too.
I didn't know myself well enough to tell you
all the things that needed to change, and why.
We both thought we'd have more time, and then I left.
I'll always be sorry for that.

Where I stood...

It seems that my nights are no longer for sleeping but thinking about the future, instead. For the past two or three days, I've been up till 4 am wondering just what the hell I'm going to do with myself post-graduation. I've got three semesters left and it's time to get my shit together.

So I did, to a certain extent. I'm going to be a high school social studies teacher. I've come to terms with the self-inflicted poverty. I might just have to wait a few more years before I can get that nice black Audi coupe. What's more is that I'm not even behind. I have to take five or six classes I wasn't planning on taking (i.e. economics), but it shouldn't be too bad. I'm just so excited, though. I can sense the rightness, the fit of it. I've kept teaching on the back burner, because there was so much else to consider and so much more money to be made. I know that what's more important is my satisfaction in my work.

I want to be someone's favorite teacher, their inspiration. I want to mold young minds and encourage them to achieve more, to better themselves and their community. Most importantly, I want to do good. I feel like I haven't done enough of that in my life, thus far. So this is my small contribution. I will be the change I wish to see in the world. I will do my best to nurture, challenge, and enlighten the students that share their time with me.

Maybe that was a little too much rhetoric...or maybe it's just the passion talking.