Apologize...

The following is an anonymous love letter I found online. I won't even pretend to claim that it's mine. I may not relate to everything the author wrote, but it definitely touched me.

Thank you, I hate you, I'm sorry

Thank you
because without your support, I wouldn't be here.
I wouldn't have stayed when things got hard.
I wouldn't have believed that I could find a life.
Thank you for the way you know me,
for being my best friend for what feels like forever,
and for raising the bar so high that I don't know where to begin.
Thank you for knowing to let go before things got ugly.
On some level, you must have known that forcing me to fly
would force you to fly too, to do the things you know you need.
And maybe you even share the belief that our paths
will join us together again, and for always.

I hate you
for not wanting it badly enough
for not believing that we could do this together,
for not following through.
I hate that you didn't have the balls to take a chance,
to explore this place that's filled with your dreams.
I hate how you don't even seem to be doing
the things that made you stay.
I hate that the way you tell me how you feel almost always hurts,
and that most of the time you just don't tell me at all.
I hate that you are the only guy I can imaging loving,
and you make letting go seem so easy,
like it doesn't hurt at all,
like you don't ever cry.

I'm sorry
I left the way I did,
because of what it said to you:
that I would always expect you to follow.
I'm sorry I didn't ever see it like that.
I thought paving the way would create
an adventure that would change our lives.
I'm sorry I didn't wait until you were ready,
that I didn't think I could, so the decision didn't feel like yours.
I'm sorry that it seemed like your opinion wasn't important,
when nothing could be further from the truth.
I'm sorry that I doubted our future, and made you doubt it too.
I didn't know myself well enough to tell you
all the things that needed to change, and why.
We both thought we'd have more time, and then I left.
I'll always be sorry for that.

Where I stood...

It seems that my nights are no longer for sleeping but thinking about the future, instead. For the past two or three days, I've been up till 4 am wondering just what the hell I'm going to do with myself post-graduation. I've got three semesters left and it's time to get my shit together.

So I did, to a certain extent. I'm going to be a high school social studies teacher. I've come to terms with the self-inflicted poverty. I might just have to wait a few more years before I can get that nice black Audi coupe. What's more is that I'm not even behind. I have to take five or six classes I wasn't planning on taking (i.e. economics), but it shouldn't be too bad. I'm just so excited, though. I can sense the rightness, the fit of it. I've kept teaching on the back burner, because there was so much else to consider and so much more money to be made. I know that what's more important is my satisfaction in my work.

I want to be someone's favorite teacher, their inspiration. I want to mold young minds and encourage them to achieve more, to better themselves and their community. Most importantly, I want to do good. I feel like I haven't done enough of that in my life, thus far. So this is my small contribution. I will be the change I wish to see in the world. I will do my best to nurture, challenge, and enlighten the students that share their time with me.

Maybe that was a little too much rhetoric...or maybe it's just the passion talking.

Driving Down the One-Oh-One...

Driving home is such an intimate and enjoyable experience for me. I get to blast my power love ballads (thank you, Celine and Whitney) and sing along at the top of my lungs. And no, you'll probably never get a chance to hear my falsetto. It's reserved for VIPs only (namely, myself). Chances are if you're reading this, however, you've probably experienced my vocal talents.

So, I made it home. I got to speed the whole way and didn't see a single law enforcement officer. Luck was on my side again, seeing as I got pulled over for going 10 over this summer and somehow managed to get off with a verbal warning. I don't know what it is about speeding. Maybe it allows me to be the reckless person I rarely am. The release you feel as you're weaving in and out of traffic and dancing to your favorite upbeat guilty pleasure(s).

I'm still trying to figure out what I'm thankful for. Not because I'm not thankful for anything. Well, some might say that. I'm still narrowing it down. And anxiously anticipating seeing the relatives on Thursday. Maybe it won't be as awkward as it usually is? Wishful thinking. I'll still be the black sheep.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNRs0RM3EEE

Deep city lights...

Moving to Minneapolis has probably been one of the best decisions of my seemingly short life. I have no regrets about it whatsoever. I love the people, the places, the culture. I've learned a lot in my short stint here. I've also a done a lot of growing up, too. Some might disagree with me on that, but this isn't about them--it's about me. I now know what it means to be a number, insignificant for all intents and purposes. I know what it means to be a struggling college student, strapped for cash and trying to maintain an image--a very thin tightrope to walk. I know what it feels like to go from a cosmopolitan lifestyle to a quiet, isolated one and wonder how the hell you ever survived the sheer monotony.
The last year and a half of my life seem to have flown by. Maybe this is just how it's going to be from here on out. One more year and then I'm a college graduate. With a degree that won't do much for me. Maybe I'll move somewhere. Change the scenery again. You're supposed to get all the self-exploration done during college, but I don't think that I have yet. Maybe truly isolating myself will help me get it together.
Yikes. That was very Dear Diary of me. On a lighter note, Thanksgiving is upon us and I'm so excited to go home. Nothing like friends and family to cheer you up after a draining semester of classes. Stay tuned to see what I'm thankful for.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB4LlEaK8eM&feature=related